When I was five years old, I remember hovering around my mother one Saturday morning. I needed her to call my nursery teacher and make sure I wasn’t missing a class that day.
Loving school seemed “cute” back then.
And I had no idea about all the current criticisms the Kenyan education system gets. Now I happen to be one of its biggest critics as well.
I didn’t know that I actually didn’t fit in with the system.
This might come as a shock to many who went to school with me because I topped my class throughout most of my primary school years.
What people don’t know is that my failures were just as glaring as my successes.
You need to understand that the Kenyan 8–4–4 system is designed for memorization and stresses heavily on a kind of perfection.
I know this because despite proving my ability to actually top my class for about six years teachers still found it necessary to cane or humiliate me for dropping a position even just once or for failing a math question — to be fair, it always seemed to be the very first question so I can see how that pissed my teacher off.
Anyway…
We did five subjects, each accounting for 100 marks and I seriously fluctuated. I’m talking going from a 400 to a 360 then back to a 440!
Each time I dropped, I don’t remember it affecting me so deeply. I’d always expect myself to just move on to the next one (I figured I wasn’t there to please anyone).
And on to the next, I went until I finished my final national exam at the top of my class.
I swear, it felt like a miracle. I was always neurotic before any set of results. It always seemed like sheer luck when I’d somehow crack the “memorization system”.
I didn't care about exams, I cared about learning.
But that changed in high school.
Big bad high school
There are a lot of things I hated about this phase.
First of all, don’t get me started on how teachers condescendingly remind you how “secondary school isn’t just multiple choice”. That you have to think more.
Well, I wish they led with the thinking part in primary school (which lasted eight years). We obviously had the mental capacity for it then — but I’ll save this rant for another day.
I found myself in this large school with over 300 girls in my year and I must admit, my self-esteem suffered quite a bit.
I pushed myself to intentionally start aiming for top positions as the sheer joy of learning wasn’t going to cut it anymore.
As I write this, I realize my brain suffered in this system where I had to endure all these subjects I lacked passion for.
Yes, I am one of those “passion-driven people”. It’s exactly what makes me so good at my job: research and writing.
I tore myself down for failing — especially because I felt like my primary school peers/admirers were watching. It’s safe to say I had the biggest mental breakdown of my life to date.
There were other primary contributing factors like family trauma — we have an attempted suicide survivor in the building! But this trauma coupled with the pressure of excelling at this ranking system broke me.
So I packed everything up and started over at another high school.
I wouldn’t say the system was any different but I met one of my biggest life companions— Maria Angela, author, and owner of Social Justice Insights KE.
The same one who’d see me make more major life changes and happen to tell me on the morning of writing this,
"I’ve always admired how you live happily, fearlessly, and peacefully in your element"
Damn right Maria! Because this life is too short and can be too painful for anything else.
Stepping into university
First of all, I’d like to consider myself a “high school survivor” because that shit was tough!
Now let’s talk about my cowardly decision to pursue law school even when I knew right in my soul that a Journalism degree was the best choice for me. Well, Literature if we’re really talking passion.
Up until this point, using myself as a case study, I don’t consider the 8–4–4 system as an accurate depiction of intellect. I don’t even think it cultivates it much as it breaks and distorts it.
I found the courage to once again ask my mom for a switch.
But even this degree that apparently suited my strengths — communication — annoyed the heck out of me. All those broadcast classes had way less creative writing.
Honestly, even if I was the most positive person back then, I’m cursed with a very specific gift of flawlessly executing what I feel more passionate about.
Yes, there are all those arguments about doing stuff you don’t like in order to challenge yourself but honestly? It tends to turn you into a soulless handyman overtime.
I am fully aware that it is even a privilege to consider passion vs or and profit. First, you need to secure your basic needs which usually entails getting a job or regular work.
And depending on your skills/field of work and job structure (freelance vs 9 to 5, office vs remote) time affluence also becomes a factor in your decision to pursue profit and/or passion.
So I am speaking to those young university students who may have an easier route into the gig economy. If you're looking to build a meaningful career I encourage you to:
On that last tip, that was academic research for me.
After starting my Journalism degree on a high note, I struggled once again to manage my schoolwork due to what I now know was ADHD (combined type) coupled with the prodrome for another mental illness.
But my communication research class literally saved me — it was the continuation from its prerequisite course, communication theories, a class that I instantly loved.
I went from zero to freakin-hero in one semester.
Truthfully, the class can be quite challenging but being a naturally curious, quick learner and a voracious reader helped.
This is why I encourage you to identify your strengths to bolster your confidence so you can approach new ventures/challenges as an expert open to more learning - not a know-it-all but an expert at harnessing your strengths.
So not only did I quickly learn research methodologies and implement them for my own group project but I also worked for my then professor as a research assistant.
I got to apply a research method I’d just learned — content analysis — for an exciting paper he was writing.
And that was my first paying job.
Later that semester we presented our project findings and recommendations in a customized chart and my professor’s remarks?
"It was the best presentation he’d seen throughout his teaching career — both at undergraduate and Masters level"
And he’s been lecturing for a while.
It’s like I went to university for that eureka moment that now informs my life’s passion —research. And yes, I’m still going with passion — hello passion economy?
Where are am I now?
I’m currently two courses away from wrapping up my undergraduate studies. Ironically, things really started looking up after that communication research class, my G.P.A included.
This was mostly because I could finally focus on my course concentration which is Public Relations and Advertising. And even therein, I favor more of the Media Theories and public campaign development classes.
I always play to my strengths and I maximize on those few classes that actually sharpen my specific skillset. At some point, I even decided to take an extra class that aligned with my interests.
Instead of taking Gender Reporting as a required elective for my degree, I took Introduction to Gender Studies where I was exposed to the Suffragist movement and other feminists movements.
It allowed me to connect deeply with myself through humanity’s shared history.
More importantly, it provided a cathartic space for me to grieve and heal from trauma induced by Gender-Based Violence.
I cried and laughed and spoke up. I lived.
It did exactly what education is supposed to do — continuously build (and heal) you.
Lessons I’ve learned so far
I remember sharing with some classmates that I’d be graduating a year later from my expected graduation date.
I mentally planned to slow down because I wasn’t done learning.
I wasn’t just rushing to finish my degree, I was allowing my degree to work for me…by listening to myself.
(Another privilege of attending a university that allows its students to take fewer courses, at least one course each semester, as well as go on semester break for one year at most.)
Lesson One: Learn how to make your career path fulfilling rather than relying on your degree to figure that part out for you.
It's no secret that most degrees don't exactly cover what you eventually end up facing in the industry (depending on your field of work) so exposing yourself to different facets of your industry may help.
I started out blogging a lot where I'd cover events, feature stories of individuals that inspired me as well as Kenyan artists in the live band scene and a few promotional blogs.
I didn't know it at the time but I was laying the foundation for what I would consider my "apprenticeship" in SEO content marketing through copywriting, a communication field that isn't covered in my degree.
I kinda learned the trade kicking and screaming at first but over time have come to really appreciate all the work I’ve been able to do, the different niches I have written on and how that has helped me identify the kind of online content I enjoy writing — Your Money Your Life (YMYL) topics.
Lesson Two: You don’t have to bring home an A or even go to school in the first place (if other opportunities land in your lap first)
School is honestly anywhere you make it.
For some reason, as I was calmly making this decision to slow down, I even recorded my thought process through voice notes.
I was going against the grain so I needed to listen to the only voice that mattered when things got rough.
And get rough they did.
I’m currently on a semester break because I couldn’t afford the fees for the summer semester.
However, I’d been actively taking time out to separate my worth from my degree and explore a different side of myself in my copywriting job.
So when I got the news, I was very calm. I didn’t think of myself as a failure or falling behind my peers.
I understand that school only amplifies my existing skillset and that as the source I can continue to sharpen my skills by designing my own curriculum.
This brings me to my next lesson…
Lesson Three: Adapt your degree to suit your life, don’t let your degree determine your life
I believe in collectively nurturing your soul, mind, and body so I’ve designed the education schedule I always hoped for.
I’ve always been more of a polymath. That’s why initially, my university application courses ranged from Environmental Science to Political Science and Communication.
That aside.
Mental illness, conscious living/mental liberation, African history, gender studies, and education/teaching are currently at the top of my mind and heart.
I believe in solution-oriented education.
Not just cute grades and certificates. Information that actually shapes and reshapes systems.
So I’m going on with my research and writing long essays on issues I’m passionate about — can’t stop, won’t stop.
And I’m currently working on an essay about African Women and religion. I’m even considering a certification course in Gender Mainstreaming starting in July.
See?
From writing — natural passion and cathartic outlet for depression
To a journalism program — access to a university setting and therapy
Communication Theories and Research — a field within the writing industry
Gender Studies — passionate activism that’s been healing my childhood trauma and a potential impactful research speciality
My attempted law degree and current copywriting job get honorable mentions as they’ve been my opportunities for growth, trial, and error.
Through them, I’ve got more clear about what I do and don’t want to do.
It’s a Sunday and I spent all morning and early afternoon researching as my brain led me. It was all-consuming in the most beautiful fulfilling way.
I even fell back in love with the academic research process — with my own personal touch added to it. Much so that I’m excited about taking my final project next semester.
I then decided to explore this deep-seated joy through the story you’re now reading
Now I know I am the magic that makes school what it is. I breathe new life into it every time I write a new piece of work or utter a new idea.
Originally published in Honest Creatives.